ABOUT ME
June 11, 2016. Fifteen years old and sitting alone in my bedroom, I felt hopelessness and a lack of control within my own life.
January 5, 2008. 2nd grade. That was the year of the swollen thumb and the diagnosis of rheumatoid juvenile arthritis. I thought only old people had arthritis, it couldn’t possibly affect a kid like me. Unable to play on the playground with the other kids, I struggled making friends, and was sidelined from my favorite sport and my first passion, basketball.
February 12, 2014. Crohn’s disease. I was unable to attend school most days, I saw other children enjoy the end of the year field trip and dance. The swelling of my intestines lead to embarrassing bathroom runs and plenty of doctor visits without any true solution to my agonizing condition. My frustration insinuated an intense spiral into emotional health issues and anxiety.
June 11, 2016. Freshman year of high school, I found myself filled to the brim with sadness and anger. 3 members of my family passed away, and the hospital visits between them and me made the hospital my own mental prison. I felt jailed away in my head, unable to free myself from the pain of experiencing loss three times over. Locked inside of my room, I scrolled through the music app SoundCloud.
June 11, 2009. Eight-year-old Alejandro Ramos is airlifted to Miami Baptist Hospital. 23 minutes later he is declared dead. The story was he fell. However, the bruises and cracked bones were indicators of abuse. My little cousin and power ranger partner was allegedly murdered by a mentally ill man who was dating my aunt. This is mental illness with nobody to look up to, when stigmatization of mental health restricts others to reach out. He was later not charged due to lack of evidence. No security for any of my family, just a senseless loss with absolutely no closure.
June 11, 2016. Singer Gustav Ähr aka Lil Peep released his album Crybaby, a critically disliked album labeled as “asinine and laughable” due to his off-key singing and cheesy lyrics. Yet, still appreciated, as in this backhanded compliment to Gustav, “But within Peep's dumbness lies an odd strain of bravery”. Covered in tattoos, piercings and nail polish, Peep crooned about being misunderstood, feeling lonely, and depression. An album where emo guitar solos clash with the trap 808s featured on the track. Peep’s screaming/singing/rapping was unlike anybody heard before that point. Singing like Fall Out Boy, with the face tats and attitude of Lil Wayne, two of my all-time favorite artists. Despite the reviews and critics, I felt a blanket of understanding. He was saying exactly what I felt, like he was somehow witnessing the thoughts inside my clouded head. He was brave enough to share that with the world, and for that, he caught my attention. After 20 minutes, between track 8 “Falling 4 Me” and track 9 “Nineteen”, I decided my anger and sadness were manageable as I found another person who had embraced their own struggles and was brave enough to sing about it. Suddenly, another day didn’t seem as scary, and I did not feel alone. Maybe things could get better for me, instead of them only worsening. “Look at the sky tonight, all the stars have a reason.”
Next morning, and it was more of the same. Struggling with my Crohn’s everyday didn’t allow me to have the quality of life I imagined other people have. Now one thing was different, I wasn’t alone in this ride. If Crybaby was not released that day, I’m not sure if I would be here today. It was a turning point because that was the day, I realized I wanted to be someone else’s reason to continue living. I wanted to become more like him by communicating what I was feeling. I opened up to my parents, finally letting them into my world. We sought professional help. We started communicating in a healthy manner as a family and discussing the issues of self-harm I was dealing with.
September 15, 2017. I created an Instagram account where I sold vintage clothing and donated all the profits to mental health charities. It is my desire to help people the way Peep helped me, perhaps I can be the one to help that struggling kid alone in their room. Mental health can be a taboo issue, where depression is swept under the rug due to the resulting awkward conversation. However, this awareness can potentially save someone’s life, much like it saved mine. The messages from friends, family, and customers supporting my account and the money that has gone to these charities have been the greatest success of my high school career. Not only did I feel a sense of purpose, but a sense of accomplishment that I had given back and turned my sadness into something beautiful.
November 5, 2017. Free from the urge to self-harm, I saw Lil Peep perform in a dingy old club in downtown Miami. Two hours late due to his habit of getting drunk before a show, Peep belted out every word on that album. The smell of cigarette smoke and sweat of the club still unable to ruin watching my favorite artist live. I witnessed him perform the majority of Crybaby and cried remembering that day in June. The best night of my life.
November 15, 2017. Lil Peep is found dead on his tour bus, overdosed via laced Xanax.
June 11, 2019. Three years self-harm free, I wake up to parents who now trust me, a girlfriend who loves me, and goals set for the future. A big shift considering I could not think of a future before. I think of Peep and Alejandro every day. Even already planning a day for me to have Peep’s Crybaby Album Cover and a small red power ranger tattooed on me. The two people who will forever attach me to what I hope to dedicate my life to, mental health.